Some experiences have become clearer in their importance while others that were a big deal at the time almost insignificant. Maybe because I’m looking back and not emursed in the emotion of the moment I can feel lighter about them.

Happily with every dark layer I see the lighter one not far behind. It appears the world keeps moving and a new adventure is not far away. The colours I’ve painted so far have only presented themselves on reflection from the previous story, for example so far I have shown three lovers in this work and they all present as different colours.

I haven’t finished this work yet, as it is taking time as only reflection can. One thing I do know is that none of these layers define me, they enrich and give me complexities and if I choose they have the power to give me compassion and understanding of others.

I feel I’m getting closer to my freedom.

Searching for peace.

The times in my life that went into moulding me, the stages in my life that made a profound difference to the next.

What makes me sensitive, guarded, happy and at times opinionated? I can remember things that happened in the past and they can still make me cry if I’m having a melancholy day. Should I damn those memories or applaud them for making me “me”.

Am I as good as the people that surround me or am I “only” as good as those people? Will I be judged by others because of them? When do I give myself the freedom of my own thought or must it be a consequence of others.

So I need to dig, excavate and break down the layers. Have a closer look at when differences happened. These layers should help me with my “Why”.

Start with infancy and go through school, puberty and then onwards. So far it’s been interesting looking back on my school colours and they look better now I’m older. Isn’t funny how we can all remember those uniforms and some to this day cannot wear a particular shade because it reminds them of school? Little things that make us, “Us”.

This is a personal and interesting process for me because it’s not always easy to look that close.

Freedom: The power of self determination (The Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary)

Traditionally I paint works that play with your focus and now l’m working on a piece about focus…….easier said than done!

The more I work on this piece the more I question what feels natural to paint, what makes me happy?  I soon realized I like the chaos, I like the intensity of lots of different going-ons. It excites and challenges the way I see things.

This is as long as I can remember to stand back and “Breathe”.

The configuration of this painting is made up of thousands of round balls all falling on each other. The work is detailed and time consuming as each ball needs a number of coats to give it depth of colour (good old oil paint!).

Patience has never been my best friend but it certainly is a necessary ally. By standing back and taking a deep breath this annoying friend helps me focus to see clearly. It helps to ground me and see the truth of the work I’m in the middle of creating.

Once I have finished with this stage I’ll have to take a breather and have a look with fresh eyes tomorrow.

Ah searching for peace……Remember to Breathe!   

At this stage, this painting is not peaceful. In order to reach the final stage, it needed to pass through an almost chaotic process, to challenge the next phase and find peace.

I also realized Peace comes with a consequence and can only be achieved when it has is a followed a previous place that was uncomfortable or unsettling. Only after those experiences can you experience the high of “Peace”. It is the calm after the chaos. It’s the moment between breaths.

Peace is the end of the journey, the true understanding, the knowing decision, the breath of safety, the calm of completion.

Peace is the high after the madness, the end of confusion and the un-jumbling of chaos.

Is this a feeling that’s only meant to join us in small bursts until the next question comes our way? As humans we are designed to have a little curiosity so maybe “Peace” is that brief interlude between revelations and the next chapter?

After much frustration and yelling at annoying nothings I realised with some clarity I had to search for peace. And so begins the next series.

“Searching for Peace”.

My search had to begin with honesty which means I needed a plan. It became important to understand the beginning, form a pattern and then organically let it grow and speak for itself. This work couldn’t have the trickery of the spikes or prickly touch like the rest of “The Why” series. The shape needed to be complete, whole and light, it needed to be round.

Ahhh deep breath, clarity…..Peace. 

There are several elements of this work that I love. Firstly, the basis for it is a game of noughts and crosses that my husband played against me. We still don’t know who won.

The other element that is continually surprising to me, is that this work  was created using only black. Black is solid, it is reliable yet this work has depth and colour changes which are the result of the surrounding light. It has a reflective quality.

Like love, this work has complexity. It is the textural complexity of the spikes that reflect the light and the once absolute of black suddenly sparkles and dances. It becomes weightless.

XOXO

Nothing comes close to the absoluteness of this colour – it’s the top of the chart. Black is the sexiest and the most confident of all colours. It’s grown up and the one we go to for safety and strength. Black offers security. And as soon as I started painting the background of this work the whole room changed, I felt calm and in control.

The next stage of this work is a game of noughts and crosses that I played with my husband, Sam. All 1521 squares painted on the canvas have either his “x” or my “o”. When I asked Sam to help in this next process of the work, he was daunted by the size and the speed in which we had to work.  This process must be done when the paint is at its wettest. Speed and time is of the essence. So it became a big fast game that got competitive and complacent at times. Sound familiar?

I wonder if I will check to see who won, I wonder when I will care? 

Passion is the “Why” that truly understands you, the familiar friend that knows you the best.

It likes to be creative, ask you questions and see how far it can push you. It’s also quite happy to allow you to drift in and out, tinker and daydream.

Passion wants to spend time with you but unfortunately it is the “Why” we give the least time to. We are often asked to suppress our passion as it is looked upon as selfish but it is an integral part of our “Why” and a balance is necessary but rarely allowed.

Aggression is frustration, it’s not passion. As this is our visible “Why”.  It will bring out opinions from people and in turn we give passion a voice. It’s not always agreeable to others but it is our voice.

Marketing has conditioned us to believe that passion must be loud and aggressive. How could this be the case when passion can bring us happiness? Take for example the passionate cook, the passionate gardener or the passionate fly fisherman.

For me, this was a comfortable painting to create as painting is my passion. Red is that colour I love so much and has an annoying habit of getting everywhere no matter how careful I am. It does seem to follow you around and there is no question it certainly does bring out an opinion and point of view.

As I went through the highs and lows with this piece, I started asking myself “When was this time in my life? When was that time?” “How did I feel?” “Is that steady pulse when I finally found the satisfaction and acceptance of such a criticized profession?”

This questioning is so telling of passion and the “Why”.

This is my visible “Why”.

Passion the most personal, dare I say the most selfish of “The Why”. We can be led by others but once we have truly discovered our passion it becomes a continuous, inconsistent pulse that will stir our emotions.

Yes, there are discoveries along the way but once bitten it’s a no brainer. Passion is not about one single action but about a constant drive that makes us curious about delving deeper into the answer.

Passion has its highs and lows but it never truly leaves us.

Red is the only colour for Passion. Red is cocky in its confidence and demands an opinion in people. It has a distinct personality. You are always searching for the perfect red dress, or shoes…or car.

Passion, by its very nature, has peaks and troughs.  It offers love, but in return it gives us frustrations with little peace.

Passion can however, lie beneath the surface never really going away. It can take a person or an experience to reawaken and allow to surge back, often at the most inconvenient times.